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Post by Game on Jul 13, 2010 22:41:48 GMT -5
Go Time!
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TURTLE
Still Standin
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Posts: 262
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Post by TURTLE on Jul 14, 2010 20:25:42 GMT -5
Topical verse: Growing Pains
I slap myself because of how I use to act when my life was whack/
Realizing that facts of the past were vivid signs of an attack/
Feelin' like a plague entered me, being mean as I adapt to react/
trying to adjust to the present but its difficult to handle like the point of a tack//
Feelin the demons begin to pathe the path of sin as I ask if Im forgiven/
kneeling down, with my head bowed an eyes closed praying to ask him!/
What is this life I lead? The good book I read, tryin to level up, yurnin' to win/
But im blank minded, not knowing where to begin, now things are an oblivion//
So as the days fly by I noticed I dont cry as often/
Feeling lost and numb off in another world as my hearts no longer throbbin/
Sobbin, worried?. . No need, we all will soon be laid up in a coffin/
Fuck it, slap the lid closed an set my tombstone yall will here my soul knockin'//
But before my lifes over I have a list of things to complete/
Like take my daughters to the beach let the salt water touch there feet/
Take my wife on a first class flight high above the palm trees/
And chill with my homies as long as possible before there toes up an deceased// |
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Post by Game on Jul 14, 2010 21:48:37 GMT -5
Real deep verse.
I think that it's the best that I've ever seen from you.
It had a deep vibe and an emotional feel.
The flow was well put togather and it was consistant.
It had very good imagery and the enjoyment was at max.
The only negative that I can throw at ya is the last line:
it fell off, lol, literally at like the 5th to last word 'on.
This is my favorite bar:
Although I also enjoyed the 'take your daughter to the beach' bar also.
Good Job
With 10 being the absolute best, I give you a 7/10
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TURTLE
Still Standin
Text Battle
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Posts: 262
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Post by TURTLE on Jul 14, 2010 22:00:28 GMT -5
alite, thanks Big. . I did have a lot of time into this verse so I appreciate the 7/10.
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Post by Kral Majales on Jul 15, 2010 3:56:47 GMT -5
I disagree with what BG said in a sense, cos I think the last line works being stretched cos' you're not following it up with another, and therefore it don't fuck the flow up, instead it adds to it. I ain't too keen on the concept, but maybe that's cos' my lifes different to yours. The rhyme scheme was killer though, and you still had some damn good lines in there. Especially in the first verse. Nice drop Turtle
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Post by KRiSR on Jul 15, 2010 7:46:27 GMT -5
i agree with big game about the last line... i cant seem to get it flow for me.....
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TURTLE
Still Standin
Text Battle
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Posts: 262
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Post by TURTLE on Jul 15, 2010 12:17:44 GMT -5
Alite thanks for the votes, its intresting to see peoples perspectives!
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Post by lyriscologist on Jul 15, 2010 23:31:34 GMT -5
to me the flow was off and choppy in a few parts, and imma pretty good reader lol
but really in text, flow is like wun of the last things thats really looked at for the simple fact thats its Text, not audio... the piece itself was just ok though.. u were kind of all over the place and i think u may of just barely been in tune with the topics concept of 'growin pains' simply because your talking about a time where you Used to be, and in a present time where its hard to let go of the past.. for a topical too, content, vocab, complexity, and imagery all should of been better.. overall it does have some meaning to it an i will give u 6/10 for your efforts..
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BuzzKill
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Post by BuzzKill on Jul 17, 2010 23:57:39 GMT -5
I liked this verse but you were all over and the flow was choppy here and there. With a few, and I mean few, edits it'd be perfect. 8/10
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J504
New Here
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Post by J504 on Jul 18, 2010 19:27:05 GMT -5
Deep stuff, I was feelin it. Agreed that it needs some fine-tuning, but good stuff.
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Shadow
Still Standin
NHV Open Mic Champ
Peace Universal
Posts: 69
Text Record: 1-0
Mood: Creative
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Post by Shadow on Jul 19, 2010 0:06:56 GMT -5
Yo Turtle,
I don't know U personally man, but I got the impression from reading this that U have gone thru some things.
And I always say,..."U have 2 go thru some shit 2 flow some shit".
Some lines could have been tweaked slightly, but they were minor.
On a deep scale, I enjoyed it thoroughly.
9/10 my dude
Peace
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Post by Game on Jul 19, 2010 10:29:46 GMT -5
All votes are in for this verse
Total Score: 54
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TURTLE
Still Standin
Text Battle
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K.O's 2
Posts: 262
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Post by TURTLE on Jul 21, 2010 18:59:34 GMT -5
Yeah thanks for the votes and propz everybody. This was a good first tourny on NHV. Thanks to everybody that participated and I know there was some conflict that made one particular member take a break from the site and I hope it is temporary but id like to have him back as soon as hes ready of course.
Also congrats SHADOW on the belt, looks good!
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